Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
