The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
