I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
