you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
