Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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