So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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