Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
