Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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