Your tits are I can't wait for
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
