theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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