im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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