How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
