It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
