dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
