U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
