I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
