Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
