You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
