we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
