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• (949): View more from California

  if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

  (217): View more from Illinois

  Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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• (480): View more from Arizona

  oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund

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• (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING

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• (425): View more from Washington

  I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.

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• (616): View more from Michigan

  life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  i will live by this rule

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• (201): View more from New Jersey

  I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny

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• (301): View more from Maryland

  Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.

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• (954): View more from Florida

  I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year

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• (518): View more from New York

  sex in a hospital.. check

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• (713): View more from Texas

  Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout

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• (416): View more from Toronto

  No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower

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• (406): View more from Montana

  Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive

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• (580): View more from Oklahoma

  I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.

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• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.

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