I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
