Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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