listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
