he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
