know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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