This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
