Betty ford says i'm here all night
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
