We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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