sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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