you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
