You smell like a Billy Joel song
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
