Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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