Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
