I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
