Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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