Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
