sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
