I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
