Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
