you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
