You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
