Just cropdusted the office
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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