yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
