I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
