i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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