She went from zero to smokin in five shots
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
