Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
