you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
