My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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