Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize