wrigley field is MILF paradise
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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