Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
