i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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