How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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