i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
