Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
