Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize