Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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