I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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