i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize