I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
