Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
