Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Terrible idea I love it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
