Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
