I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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