There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He passed out mid-signature
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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